Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Felt by many....

There's a hole in my soul and it just won't heal there's a rage and a pain that I still feel and now that I am in the middle of a journey that I have no clue where it will take me, and a little scared of the bumps and falls, I have faith that some how I will come out stronger. I will some how come out of this whole. There is a loss that I feel, an emptiness that I have felt for so long that it's like a endless pit of wonder, and have to ask does anyone else feel this, am I the only one. Better yet doesn't anyone care? I have been through the lows of life and pulled out somehow and never once hit my knees and said thank you Father for placing your hand on me and carrying me through. Once again I have to say there's a hole in my soul and it just won't heal, there's a rage and a pain that I still feel. I meet people and asked myself, could that be her, could that be him. Would they reconize me, would they know me if they saw me on the street. Would they know my voice if they heard through a phone? My biggest question is would it heal if they were found, if they did know me again, would it just stop? Yes it will and some of it has started to close. Cause I have learned that I am not the only one who has felt these feelings, if your an adoptee you know them, you have felt them and most importantly you understand them.

I bet by now you are wondering where all that came from, yeah I would too if someone sent me an email like this. Today was day unlike any other. I went through and started thinking of so many things. My mom's, my dad's, sister's, brother's and other families. I went to the park and sat and watched my own children play and my mom's words ran through my head of she didn't care, she didn't want to know anything about my adoption and how the state should seal my records and never let me have them. Somewhere inside of me there's always been a hole, always been an emptiness, and when those words were spoken to me, that hole grew. My mom's main concern is me and my kids getting out of her house. The word adoption isn't to be mentioned in this house or my birth family. Okay well here's the thing, my adoption is me, it's apart of me, ok so the part of my birth family is somewhat wacked (being nice here), but they are mine. The thing is that if they never did what they did then I wouldn't have had this life, they wouldn't have had me. What they did isn't important, it's the people that were lost in transitions. I guess on this day I found a new anger I had never felt before, an anger/hurt/pain with a side of the urge to vomit. I have never felt that way toward my mom before. She got mad at me cause I asked if you can't stand my adoption then why did you ever do it? Didn't you think for one second that I would want to know about it? The pain, the tears, the laughter, hugs, cries, anger all of that comes into it. Didn't you think for one second that this would be important to me? If you didn't how could you not? I guess we both spoke words of truth and hurt that day.

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