Born and broken, ripped from one dumped on another and finally landed in your arms. Noses wiped, heart felt hugs, kisses goodnight and tons of I love you's. Held when it mattered, shoved into the right direction and given the power of a strong mind. The heartfelt goodbyes, the strong hand to hold and so many tears. The tremble of a scared child, the tears and fears that are felt. Finally forced into adulthood, can still look back and see so much of that scared child sitting on the floor playing with her baby dolls. When does me catch up with me? Feeling so lost split between two worlds. Been married and blessed with children. Now divorced and watching the children play with each other and watching the bond that has been formed. Hearing the giggles and seeing the smiles. Hearing the I love you's, getting the hugs for one returned and breaking up fights between sisters and a brother who sits and watches and laughs, like something is funny. Trying to keep the head above water, praying for a miracle and all of a sudden three worlds collide like an avalanche. Sitting in church asking God so many questions wondering how he can keep it all straight. Thankful that he can, hardly managing it all. Tear filled eyes, knees hit the floor and ask for someone to understand.....that day when the phone rang, words that were so needing to be heard "I understand, been there, felt that too" and "I am with you on that". There's a sigh of relief, a new struggle begins and so a light is shed while one burns out. A new hand reaches in and a new friend says it's ok, even at 3 am. The biggest questions don't never seem to have an answer, the deepest pain isn't felt by any other and rarely eased. Where is the right place to be, to go? The words that are so longed to hear haven't been heard, even through the I love you's everything seems empty. Never do too many who understood all this, only one seems to get it completely. So thankful that you were there, you reached in and made it seem ok.
Some will read this and say none of that makes sense, well if you are in my shoes it makes more than perfect sense. You understand, you know some of it may be different but you know it, you walk it and you live it. Some one once told me that they were more blessed than I was because he wasn't adopted and the pain doesn't seem worth it. I should let it all go. If you have been told that, here's something to remember. The Father knows, He cares, our burdens are His, our lives are His. Everything is going to be alright, we will get through we finally have our pains ridden of. The struggle of emotions are high, but through His love we will be kept strong. With the Father in our corner no one can be against us. Pray and watch the miracles he works. He catches every tear, holds the broken and mends and restores us to brand new. No storm last forever, only for a night!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
there's a hole in my soul and it just won't heal, there's a rage and a pain that I still feel. I meet people and asked myself, could that be her, could that be him. Would they reconize me, would they know me if they saw me on the street. Would they know my voice if they heard through a phone? My biggest question is would it heal if they were found, if they did know me again, would it just stop? Yes it will and some of it has started to close. Cause I have learned that I am not the only one who has felt these feelings, if your an adoptee you know them, you have felt them and most importantly you understand them. and it just won't heal there's a rage and a pain that I still feel and now that I am in the middle of a journey that I have no clue where it will take me, and a little scared of the bumps and falls, I have faith that some how I will come out stronger. I will some how come out of this whole. There is a loss that I feel, an emptiness that I have felt for so long that it's like a endless pit of wonder, and have to ask does anyone else feel this, am I the only one. Better yet doesn't anyone care? I have been through the lows of life and pulled out somehow and never once hit my knees and said thank you Father for placing your hand on me and carrying me through. Once again I have to say
I bet by now you are wondering where all that came from, yeah I would too if someone sent me an email like this. Today was day unlike any other. I went through and started thinking of so many things. My mom's, my dad's, sister's, brother's and other families. I went to the park and sat and watched my own children play and my mom's words ran through my head of she didn't care, she didn't want to know anything about my adoption and how the state should seal my records and never let me have them. Somewhere inside of me there's always been a hole, always been an emptiness, and when those words were spoken to me, that hole grew. My mom's main concern is me and my kids getting out of her house. The word adoption isn't to be mentioned in this house or my birth family. Okay well here's the thing, my adoption is me, it's apart of me, ok so the part of my birth family is somewhat wacked (being nice here), but they are mine. The thing is that if they never did what they did then I wouldn't have had this life, they wouldn't have had me. What they did isn't important, it's the people that were lost in transitions. I guess on this day I found a new anger I had never felt before, an anger/hurt/pain with a side of the urge to vomit. I have never felt that way toward my mom before. She got mad at me cause I asked if you can't stand my adoption then why did you ever do it? Didn't you think for one second that I would want to know about it? The pain, the tears, the laughter, hugs, cries, anger all of that comes into it. Didn't you think for one second that this would be important to me? If you didn't how could you not? I guess we both spoke words of truth and hurt that day.